Monthly Feature

Melissa delves into fast food…one item at a time!

We’ve all heard the lame joke that there are only two certainties in life, death and taxes. In my life there is one more. And that is that my 3 year-old can sniff out a McDonald’s from a mile away. Sometimes I think that the labor and delivery nurses at Texas Women’s Hospital were paid off by Ronald McDonald to implant a tiny McDonald’s GPS locator in his brain when he was born. That Ronald McDonald is a sneaky bastard.

That being said, I’ve had to come up with some pretty ingenious ways to avoid McDonald’s at all costs to avoid a total and complete meltdown when we don’t stop. I’ve resorted to such distraction tactics as singing really loudly and off-key, throwing Skittles in his direction hoping to divert his attention, yelling, “Look! Superman just walked out of Walgreens!”, and telling him that a big scary monster is just up ahead and is looking for little boys who aren’t covering their eyes with their hands. Hey, I’m not proud of this behavior. I’m just a mom trying to avoid a temper tantrum. For those with kids, you know what I’m talking about. For those without kids, consider yourself lucky.

But last week I was caught off-guard. It was late, we were driving home and I wasn’t paying attention to where we were. I was trying to remember if I’d fed the cats and we drove straight past a McDonald’s. I was not prepared. Those magnificent golden arches stretched tall and proud into the sky, almost like a beacon for lost souls. “Come, my children,“ they said. “We will feed you, love you, comfort you, and when it’s over you’ll be begging for more.”

Of course, Mr. Man in the backseat starts crying for a Happy Meal. Now normally I would grit my teeth and just keep driving. I’m not a huge fan of Micky D’s. I enjoy the fries and the pump-your-own ketchup dispensers, but that’s about it. But thanks to a lazy mom who lets her son watch way too much TV and McDonald’s seemingly endless advertising budget, my son knows that Happy Meals, and more importantly, toys inside Happy Meals, can be found at McDonald’s. So we pulled in. I justified it by telling myself that I was doing research for my next Junkie review. It lessened the sting.

Here’s what went down:

Overall taste: 7

Not bad. The warning on the box said “HOT! Be careful when eating!” But my chicken was lukewarm at best. I was past the dinner rush so I’m sure I got a leftover patty that had been sitting in the holding tray for a while. The bacon was good. Could have used more. Two strips is never enough bacon for anything. The lettuce was nice and green and not wilted. I don’t eat tomatoes so that went in the box but it looked good. Red and juicy, just how tomatoes should look.

The bun was tasty. The website said it was a “toasted honey wheat bakery-style roll”. Mine wasn’t toasted but it still was pretty good. Much better than the regular boring buns that come standard on the burgers.

My only real complaint was the mayonnaise. There was enough mayo on that sandwich to choke a horse. A big one. My first bite was followed by a bit of gagging from all of the mayo. Luckily I was able to scrape most of it off. Plus, I was hungry enough to eat my own hand and my son wasn’t sharing his Happy Meal.

Visual Appeal: 8

The Ranch BLT came in a nice, sturdy box so it wasn’t all messed up when we got to our table. The veggies looked fresh and the chicken didn’t have any weird color or smell. The bun was nice and fluffy. All in all, it looked pretty yummy.

Health Rating: 5

Now I’m no health expert. Compared to what I eat at other fast food places, the Ranch BLT was about average. The McDonald’s website told me that the sandwich was super high in sodium (no kidding) and that it had about 580 calories. I’m taking that down a bit though since I didn’t eat the mountain of mayonnaise that was there. Total fat is about 25 grams. Not as healthy as one of their salads but not as bad as some of their other stuff.

After Effects:

None to speak of.  It was a big sandwich so I should have stopped when I was full. But my dad taught me to never be a quitter so I finished. I was definitely full afterwards but nothing I couldn’t handle.

Repeat Offender?

Not sure. While it wasn’t gross, it didn’t really stand out. The mayo really threw me off. If I ever do get it again, I’ll remember to nix the mayo and try barbeque sauce. That wasn’t an option but I think I could sweet talk the counter lady into giving me some. We’ve already proven that I have no shame.